This article defines
the construct of social peer rejection as the problem that strucks
parents and kids on each level of youngsters emotional development.
Social peer rejection entails being rejected, excluded, ostracized,
or criticized by one's peers; lack of active sympathy and active
dislike on the part of one's peers; ignoring; preventing access to
friends, playtime activities, toys, or important information; verbal
aggression; commands; and blaming the rejected child.
Every
adult person who deals with social processes at school, work and
other public places, needs to face the same conflicts as our kids
from time to time. Being rejected or feeling insulted is harmful
enough for most grownups even though we’ve obviously managed to
deal with it thanks to years of experience. We developed some
mechanisms to prevent ourselves from bullying . But it took years of
experiences and struggle. Kids are even more unlikely to cope it. How
to make them feel comfortable and safe when it comes to mix with
the group of their peers with no such experience at all? And what if
the disappointment with the new experience comes first instead of
satisfaction and safety?
To answer this
question it is reasonable to ask: Why is the group of youngsters so
hermetic and relentless? Who is dissatisfied more with the fact that
my child is maybe an outsider? Am I always as sociable person as I
expect my kids to be? How being rejected during school years
influenced my personality? How does my happiness depend on others’
acceptation?
These questions
bring a wonderful sentence on my mind. To quote it after Padraig
O’Morain, undisputed expert on the field of social processes in
groups:
“It doesn’t have
to be alright to be alright.” Nevertheless we have to do something
when children complain that something is wrong in the group and they
suffer from the solitude and loneliness.
First suggestion for
parents who want to react for their kids claims is to think it over
carefully, to deal with themselves first. Parents can deny the
problem to avoid the confrontation. So do their kids. It’s very
important to react mindfully and respectfully while the very fact,
the incident may be a shock. Following the Internet forums for
parents we can easily find people with the same problem. Their
respondents are more or less supportive. Sometimes people seem to be
even oppressive in their responses. The answer for the problem
becomes obvious as soon as we find out kids just copy their parents
reactions. It is also worth to ask our pupils to describe situations
in the group many times in many ways. The more you ask in different
situations (safety and time is important here) the more you can
discover about the true conflict. Sometimes kids say they do not want
to go to school anymore, they declare belly or headaches, others cry
and beg for staying home. This is the sign that something doesn’t
work properly.
The next step is a
decision to clear up the situation with sitters in the kindergarten
to ask for their observations and opinion. It is is a good way to
understand not only your kids but also the whole process including
daily routines and other kids situation in the group. You can find
out important facts and what is more important- sensitize more
people to the problem. It is really substantial to understand that
the rejection of one kid in the group isn’t really that particular
child’s problem but all people involved to the care.
This is also a good
way to focus a bit on the group problem. To find out more about other
kids, their social abilities, their individuality, personality and
sensitivity. Sometimes the more sensitive but oppressed is
individual, the more eagerly they react disrespectfully toward others
after a long process of being bullied. That’s is why it is worth to
find out if the “attacker” was not really a “victim”.
The more sources of
conflict you discover, the easier and better will be your
communication with the teachers, parents and kids. You can understand
it better and help your child. Your impact on the group will be
stronger. The solution will be in your hands.
Ignorance and
ostracism in the group is perceived as being even more painful than
verbal conflict itself because it at least is a kind of interaction.
Do not let your kid suffer and let others know what is wrong from
your point of view. The more you find out about the situation the
better and the more tactfully you will react, the safer will your
kid be amongst others.
I risk the thesis
that the priority for each parent when they bring their kids to
school is to prevent their kids from feeling sad and rejected. We all
hope for the same things so trust is the best way to solve the
problem.
“We, the group,
reject you. Because we are the only group that matters, consider
yourself rejected by the world”.
Autor: Anna - Absolwentka studiów licencjackich Pedagogika Przedszkolna i Wczesnoszkolna oraz studiów magisterskich ze specjalizacją Wczesne Nauczanie Języka Angielskiego na Uniwersytecie Warszawskim.
