niedziela, 23 grudnia 2018

How to set the child boundary: 7 rules

In any family with children, there is a moment when parents are faced with the question of how to set boundaries for very active or even aggressive child. But not always mom and dad understand correctly what exactly should be forbidden, in what form, and which punishment should be apply for violation of prohibitions, and whether it is necessary in general.

Why do you need restrictions?

The world of the baby almost completely coincides with the maternity, but starting from three years old the problem of delimitation of the physical and psychological spaces of parents and the child plays one of the main roles. This is an important part of the educational process: children with the correct understanding of themselves and others “can” and “impossible”in the future less suffer from different kinds of dependencies and easily converge with people.

Many parents adhere to a standard borderline scheme that clearly separates the good and bad behavior of the child and the corresponding reaction. He did good- praise, did bad - punishment. At the same time, parents often do not even explain to the child why he was punished. At the same time, they think, that their kid should figure out which particular act provoked such a reaction.
In fact, such a scheme is considered ineffective and even harmful, since a child who did not realize why he received a punishment begins to experience constant fear of his own actions, which is fraught with serious psychological problems. Some children express their anger at the parents, who punish him, in his opinion, for no reason.
If it is possible How to find a compromise between “possible” and “impossible” so that the child understands the validity of the prohibitions at the same time?

1. Prohibitions should always correspond to the age of the child

A two-year-old baby may not understand why, for example, you can not pat your homeless dog on the street, but for three to four years, the explanation for this ban will be clear to him. Therefore, punishing the child for what he can not understand by age without any sense.

2. By imposing prohibitions, you must necessarily explain your motivation

Why we do not cross the road to red light, lift candies on the street, talk with strangers, poke your fingers into the socket, and take away toys from peers - all this can be easily and intelligibly explained to children in plain and understandable language.

3. By setting bans, always ask yourself if they are sufficiently justified

Is there a need for this ban?
It's easier for some parents to ban something to a child, because they will be so calm. For example, mom does not want the baby torn up with good clothes, and she forbids him playing with peers in football at the playground. Or, for example, fearing that a child will break an expensive toy, she does not allow the baby to play and share a new expansive toy with other children in the kindergarten. Such prohibitions can lead to the fact that the child will either obey you and do not trust you completely, or starts to show aggression and defend his/her interests.

4. The punishment should only be for the child's deliberate violation of the prohibition, which he fully understands

If the baby stretches her hands to the socket, but mom never told him that it is dangerous, it is not worth punishing the child - it's better to take it safely away from the dangerous place and explain how fraught with such an act and why it is impossible to do so.
If a child is the instigator of fights in a kindergarten, the first measure should not be a punishment, but an explanation of why his deed is considered bad, what exactly he did wrong. The punishment should follow only when the child, in spite of clarifying the parents and the established prohibition, will again make in his own way.

5. When setting bans, discuss them with all family members

If mom does not allow eating an ice cream on the street, but the grandmother, on the contrary, is buying joy for a baby on a walk, motivating it with the fact that “we will not tell about it”, the child will not form a stereotype of correct behavior. The same thing happens if the parents do not allow the child to watch the TV before bedtime or have sweets before dinner, but the father does not consider it as a ban, and in the absence of the mother does not refuse the baby in the request to see another cartoon or eat a chocolate.
In most such cases, children begin to realize that different people can behave differently, and learn quickly to benefit from this knowledge, which may affect negatively their behavior in the future. For example, the child will consider that breaking the ban when no one sees it will not lead to bad consequences, which means it can be disturbed without fear of punishment. Therefore, the prohibitions must be uniform and all family members must keep an eye on their compliance with the child.

6. Correct the list of restrictions

Do not forget that as the child grows up, some bans will remain in force, and some will not only be possible, but they will need to be canceled. If, for example, a child at the age of seven you were allowed to sit at a computer in his spare time only for an hour or two, then at the age of 10-12, the time of his presence at the computer would probably have to be increased in connection with school assignments. The same applies to other prohibitions.

8. Pay attention to the good behavior of the child

The kid helped the house, painted a beautiful drawing in the kindergarten, made with his own hands a birthday card for his grandmother, learned to say “thank you” and “please”, shared the new toys - all of this, no doubt, is worth your attention. Pay attention to this, tell him that you love, just hug. If the parents curse the child for any breach of the prohibition, but without paying attention to his efforts and achievements, he will constantly feel guilty, disliked and bad, which will lead to real problems with self-esteem.
And remember that the establishment of boundaries should promote the harmony of relationships between parents and the child. It should ensure its safety, form the principles of proper behavior and social skills, and not turn its life into a series of continuous bans and fear of independence.

Autor: TatianaJestem absolwentką Poltava National V.G. Korolenko Pedagogical University in Poltava ze stopniem magistra filologii angielskiej i literatury światowej. Ukończyłam również licencjat na Uniwersytecie Marii Skłodowskiej Curie w Lublinie na kierunku: Stosunki międzynarodowe ; specjalizacja- stosunki międzynarodowe  we wschodnio-centralnej Europie.

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